The Test: Koip Part 2
August. 2013
Not five days after I wrote and published the post ‘Koip Pass’, I was forced to see if I walk-the-walk or simply just talk-the-talk. Ooof. Deep breath.
Backtrack to June when my dear friend Courtney told me it was her NY resolution to do a triathlon, and asked if I would do one with her. Great! We ran the Arizona Marathon together last winter, I enjoy triathlons, and I enjoy Courtney, so this made sense! We signed up for Tri Santa Cruz, over a month out, scheduled for August 11. Over the next two months, Courtney asked me for the usual tri newbie advice (what to wear, etc). She also mentioned numerous times that she was afraid she wasn’t going to finish, or that she would come in dead last. Courtney is an amazing athlete, having played soccer at Bucknell with Caitlin. I was not afraid she wouldn’t finish. I was afraid she would finish ahead of me. Afraid is an understatement. I KNEW she would finish ahead of me. To which, when I told her this, she laughed at me and told me that tris are my thing and that she didn’t even know how to train for a tri. In my defense, she does in fact go to spin class, mountain bike, is training for a marathon, and attend Masters swimming. I would say that counts!
Fast forward to day 0 to the race. Courtney rented a bike (she is a mountain biker, not a road biker) and we headed up Hawk Hill to the top of the Headlands. Courtney charged to the top, well ahead of me. I arrived at the top, with the usual heartbreak over how slow I am. But this time, it was different. This time, I was slower than somebody who doesn’t go for (somewhat miserable!) long rides. I was heartbroken. Defeated. I was, in an essence, at the top of Koip Pass all over again. Between sobs, I told Courtney “this is not going to be a conversation! I will go to Santa Cruz, but I am NOT RACING” A silly argument (well, me being the silly one) about my insecurity over the situation and how horrible it made me feel, and I headed down Hawk Hill. Totally defeated. I felt horrible about everything. About being so slow, about making Courtney feel bad, about how unfair life is. I was being a kid. An immature one.
And so, the day moved forward. We made it back over the Golden Gate bridge, and I set on my way home. I sat down at the Palace of Fine Arts park to just reflect on life (ie cry some more) and feel bad for myself. As I sat reflecting on whatever the hell had just happened, my mind circled back to what I had written not five days earlier.
It was a good reminder for me as I embark on my Ironman training journey, and just life in general, that sometimes we won’t match up to our expectations of ourselves. I might not be the fastest or the best. In fact, I will undoubtedly be the slowest in the Ironman training crew. But this is not about those I am training or hiking with, or proving myself to them. This is about achieving personal goals, personal PRs, and personal accomplishments. The friendships, the views, the peanut butter bagels are an integral part of the journey, but ultimately, it is what lies within me that will drive me to the destination. The top of the pass. The perfect campsite. The Snickers bars and sips of Makers Mark. The memories that will last long after returning to ‘real life’.
This triathlon with Courtney was a test to me to see if I really have the strength of character to practice what I speak, and all of a sudden, I knew what I had to do. I texted Court an apology for being a 5 year old, and went home to pack for the tri. I was going out there- not to race Courtney, but to race myself. I knew Courtney would be amazingly fast, but the race itself had nothing to do with Courtney. While the weekend was about having fun with a good friend in a really awesome place and wanting her to love the sport of triathlon, the race I was racing was about ME. About, as so clearly stated last week, “achieving personal goals, personal PRs, and personal accomplishments.” This was my third Olympic distance triathlon, and I wanted to break 3 hours. This race was about beating 3 hours, not Courtney!
And so, race day came and this mental stamina was put to the test. Would I lose my cool if (and when) Courtney beat me, or was I actually okay with this? I was ahead of Courtney out of the water and she did not pass me on the bike, although I knew we were close behind after seeing her on an out and back section of the bike course. Deep breath. I maintained my cool. Then the run began, and about one mile in, I heard a greeting. THERE SHE WAS. Running fast. For a half second, the thought went through my head to catch her and run with her. Deep breath, Claire. This is not Courtney’s race, this is your own. And so, I ran on my own, behind Courtney. I ran hard. Running to the tick of my own watch. Running to the three hour time I wanted to break.
And so, through the chute I went to the finish. 2:42:08. I did it. Well under 3. Well under anything I ever imagined I could do! In front of Court? Nope. Did I care. Not in the least. In fact, I was ecstatic for Courtney. She is an amazing athlete, and she trains and works hard. I am so grateful to have such a good friend. She is an amazing person who I can laugh hard with and train hard with. I look forward to many many more triathlons and marathons where I have to give Courtney a run for her money. Watch out Court, one of these days I am going to close in on that five minute gap :) Until then, it is a pleasure to have you waiting at the end with a cup of water for me and the, as said in Koip Pass, “the memories that will last long after returning to ‘real life’.”
My blog stares at me. Empty. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Why is this? Is it because my life is just perfect, challenges overcome, lessons learned, and living happily ever after? Nah, I don’t think so. That would be boring.